I@gmail.com          August 31st

to N

I am afraid I am not the Unconventional Woman anymore.  I am becoming the short term dating girl.  It’s not what I intended to do, it’s just feeling a lack of hope in a future.  Even though I know the short term dating girl has no future, at least she has fun sometimes.  The Unconventional Woman believes in love, she waits for it, she reveals it like a  diamond in the rough.  The short term dating girl takes what she can get and leaves.  She knows she won’t that get much.  It would be a waste of time to wait for the plus to turn into a minus.

The commodity, like the sign, suffers from

metaphysical dichotomies. Its value, its truth,

lies in the social element. But this social

element is added on to its nature, to its matter,

and the social subordinates it as a lesser value,

indeed as nonvalue. Participation in society

requires that the body submit itself to a

specularization, a speculation, that transforms

it into a value-bearing object, a standardized

sign, an exchangeable signifier, a “likeness”

with reference to an authoritative model.

Commodity—a woman—is divided into two

irreconcilable “bodies”: her “natural body

and her socially valued, exchangeable body,

which is a particularly mimetic expression of

masculine values.

It means my only value is a mimetic of expression of masculine values.  This is why J. W.  thinks that only girls just out of adolescence are the right person…He can superimpose all the liberal minded traits like intellectual development, life experience, and self-knowledge.  His ability to sublimate and project is all he needs.

 

 

It also means the ten years I spent curating my experiences, and becoming more aware of myself and what I wanted, overcoming challenges, finally getting into school and doing my masters…it was a minus…I have less time and money now, and I do not express masculine values,  I’m going on less than nil.  I didn’t read any feminism in my BA.  I honestly thought when I got to the ‘real world’ of the city that people would be so cosmopolitan and smart they would have moved past this old fashioned nonsense…so I let myself grow without reference to these structures, without even referencing economic structures.

 

When I asked 5 men to write profiles of me for my paper J. W. wrote the best profile…and I wrote I am afraid this is a mirror.. He’s just so good at telling people what they want to hear.  He never looks within himself, at least if he did, he’d never tell you what’s going on there.  He’s  a manipulator, and he’s after any one naive enough not to uncover it.  There are no good profiles.  There is no man in the world who could see or value my ‘natural’ body.

N@gmail.com          August 31st

to me

I,
You are lovely.The truth is, your sample of men is shit, that’s why love doesn’t
compute in the way you expect.

Me, overly self-controlled to the point of being repressed, slightly
masochistic Austrian guy who is still in love with his ex-gf that he
drove away by being indecisive.J. W., a skinny English guy who preys on foreigners by using the
English charm, or on younger women cause they are the only ones who
think he is cool. Married once already to an unfit woman who quickly
got bored of him. Hasn’t learned anything ever.

Matthew,  the Irish banker who gets off by having sadistic sex with damaged
women. You had not much in common at all with him, and he
won’t miraculously become intellectual over night.

All three of us, stuck in the past, not yet in the future, just
behaving reckless but glossing it over with “charm”.

The truth is, you are fine, but we are all a bunch of total losers.

We are all blessed that you give us your friendship, but if I were
you, I would stay away romantically as far as I could from any of
these individuals. If they were old-fashioned they would already be
married, or marry you and you would live unhappily ever after with
them.

As for your non-sense on the economic side of your self development,
respectfully and all out of the blue… I slap you hard in the face
that it hurts and push you against the wall and I choke you and then
kindly whisper into your ear: shut the fuck up, bitch. Because you are
talking mega-bullshit. You have made the absolute right decision to
live your life as you have. Your degree programme has now come to an
end, and its normal that you are anxious because of the uncertainty.
May I remind you of three things: Firstly, you really enjoy what you
are doing and in this respect you have already had a more fulfilled
life at your age of 30, than 98% of the world population will ever
have. Secondly, who knows how the next 60 years will turn out? Nobody
does. Whether you will make it or not, depends on luck – if you
continue trying. If you don’t try, then you can’t even hope for luck.
If you find you need to do something else for a while, so be it!
You’ll do something else, but you always have yourself and you’ve got
your brains and your boobies, what else do you need? Thirdly, don’t
honestly tell me you want to have the life of the other boring North
Carolinians?  That’s what I thought. Sorry that I had to slap you hard,
but you need a physical brain shake up. Your neurones of self
perception are misaligned.