I wasn’t totally honest in the post date vlog of 4# and 5#, the Tall Irish Vegan…I was still negotiating how my privacy might exist in this project, and as we all know, it doesn’t. Or at least, I am still in the process of experiencing the technical difficulties. I keep tripping up on the fact that these things, the very private things, matter. They are both the gateway to the way we connect to each other and our power relationships. So on date #5, what should of been a lovely romantic venture in Kew Gardens, I was exhausted… The week of precarity had just happened…and I was an hour late and ruining my date with the Tall Irish Vegan by bitching all day about J. W. and 19 year old Yuki. We managed anyway to have some nice moments. The Gin and Tonics garden in Kew was like a Wes Anderson movie: The set up, the barmen. the music even. We swore who ever the manager was must of been insane for Wes Anderson, probably put a call out just for these types: tall gawky Englishmen with awkard noses, add a lanky Indian with shiny long hair. Dress them in flowery shirts. Afterwards we went to a pub in Kew for Dinner.. we got vegan meals together. The pub had much better lighting than our cozy Scrabble pub in Dulwich,.. and was mostly attended by Grannies. We just wanted a little privacy to kiss again like we did in Dulwich.
I have to say that the project has been distorting my attitude towards these ventures. I want to know too quickly the yes or no. because if it’s no, I don’t want to waste my time, or break with my project.
So we had the talk about flats…He had some visitors at his: not enough privacy. I was very ashamed of the mess in my room… most embarrassingly I really needed to clean the sheets. We came up with a solution..a blindfold. Then the idea was just too hot to put down. We started talking about honey.
I think he took a bus home at about 12 am. In the morning when we weren’t in touch I started to feel that I had messed things up. Of course it’s a self infliction of sexist standards that I blamed it all on myself. He called me back at noon, and we talked about the fact that he would be traveling most of September, and we should keep things low key, with no labels. In a way this is exactly what I wanted. There was a chance I could go on 30 dates before he came back..or at least 20? So if he really liked me we could start things in October.. If he actually liked me. I was also suspicious that the words no labels are just a way to make a graceful exit.
I started to think the latter when our communications cooled off significantly…after a few days I did the post date vlog.
Anyway I just talked to him on Skype. He called me up to say he found the blog a week ago. He was hesitating out of curiosity to hear what I said, but felt it was important to tell me before I wrote about him. He said he was okay with the blog. He wasn’t confrontational, but gentle, and respectful. It was good to see his face. I got that feeling you get when your mind is arranging itself around the appearance of someone you have growing affection for. We talked about the meaning of the no labels statement, and the cooling off. It was just a knowledge that we needed to slow down things a little (something I already stated in my vlog). So we will definitely see each other again….at the same time he’s cool with the project and the idea that I will be seeing other people. He feels like I do, that he’s doesn’t have to ‘own me’ for me to know that I like him more others. If I do end up with someone else in the process than that’s meant to be. I feel at peace with this, and I’ve much warmed to the Tall Irish Vegan because of the way he responded…in the right way… I’m now looking forward to seeing him again much more than I was. The boy with the Thailand tattoo texted me this morning and said ‘I wasn’t right for him’. I can’t know if he found the blog. I emailed this morning to make the leap of faith and tell him about it, and also ask if we could be friends. But if he found the blog, wasn’t cool with it, didn’t tell me, and won’t respond to an email…that just shows he wasn’t the right person for me.